I'm still alive (OMG) 🙌

Hello there!

Do you actually remember me? I don’t think so because I don’t even remember myself typing at all!

It’s been a very, VERY long time since my last post was ever updated and same with the YouTube channel tbh. So it’s time to confess my sins even if no one will really read this post but, as I think I’ve mentioned before, writing in the blog is kind of therapeutic to me and I know it’ll do me good. Without further a do, let’s begin explanation time.

To begin with, audition time is basically occupying my life, draining my energy and soul and you know, sucks. You are always told it’s going to be hard but I can’t recall a moment of someone telling me “Traveling is actually the most exhausting part of the deal. You’re going to come home sick of airports, flights and all having to do with traveling in general”. 

Because let me tell you that I knew auditions were hard because you really never know what they’re actually looking for anywhere. And even more so nowadays where directors can sleep in front of your face during class, call you for a private and come in the last five seconds of class when you’re a hot sweaty mess or not even invite you because “you’re not the nationality/look we’re looking for”. Sorry for not being the blond/brunette, tall/short, skinny/athletic, modern/classical dancer you are supposedly looking for I guess?

If you read the “50 things about me tag”, you know I said that I absolutely adore traveling and discovering new places and cultures. But when done with time!

I’m just hating this time when I travel for a day or two to a place where I spend more time waiting in airports, auditions or just collapsing in the hotel/apartment bed wanting to eat, read something and sleep. It’s really so unfortunate I don’t get to really enjoy any place in particular and even more so when I’m auditioning in Europe where every country is a completely different story.

Of course they have similarities but you want to discover what makes French be French, German be German, Czech be Czech etc. It’s the magic of traveling and although you might have some extra hours in a determinate place you really don’t get to fill yourself with what’s surrounding you.

Back in Leipzig (December) where I "treated" myself 

to a nose strip after the audition :D

Long story short: auditions suck but traveling in a rush is even worse. 

Next topic: creativity. 

I really don’t know how to adress this without sounding extremely dramatic but I feel empty creatively. The routine of daily class/es, gym and no rehearsals apart from personal ones to prepare a concrete piece for an upcoming audition... There’s no place I totally belong to now so I don’t have the chance to learn new choreography and have tons of performance experience and that sort of drained my creativity.

I’m not saying all my ideas are gone but I just don’t really feel as connected as before with the dance world even though I’m auditioning and constantly informing myself of different choreographers in different places of the world that are currently creating. 

Somewhere between Berlin and Magdeburg

If you’re a dancer reading this you might know the feeling of being empty inside on the creative matter. You keep going on like a machine: barre, center on pointe, gym and once more. You try to find all this new feels in class but somehow you seem to have lost a clear path to those new sensations you’re craving. I really believe that although having a busy schedule can be exhausting, it keeps you extremely active mentally as you’re dealing with different styles, characters, etc. 

BUT (because there’s always a but) it also takes energy, time to focus on auditioning, recording, etc. So, I’ll leave a question here that if you want to share your thoughts about it in the comments I’ll be more than glad to start a friendly discussion over this topic: where is the balance between being creatively active but also focused on audition season? Are both possible at the same time?

And last, but not least, personal life. I’m not going to make this into my diary because privacy is also necessary but I want to share that although I’m living in my own city, I’ve been feeling like a stranger more than ever. 

Sankt Pölten, Austria

Because I don’t have a set group of persons I get to see every single day except my family (which I of course adore <3 Happy Father's day by the way ;) ) I feel like I’m "guesting" all the time although I go to more or less the same places to take class and give class to a set group of girls as well. 

You know people but you always feel far apart from them and because I have this feeling of being annoying and just disturb people I also don’t want to constantly text my actual friends that live far away from Barcelona because they do have a life too and if I text people from Barcelona that I consider my friends I’m afraid they won’t consider me the same way and you know, you don’t want to be that person that is constantly texting for nothing. Maybe I sound too confusing but I hope you can understand me.

I’ve always considered myself a person that enjoys alone time and I thought I would be more than okay with that but, man! You never really know what you have until you leave it, right?

But hey, no drama, lama ;) It’s just something to think about! What’s the right balance to maintain friendships but not overwhelm them?

My actual mood after every audition:

tea, pj and chill

And for the moment, that’s it! I’m currently writing more posts so I can serve you more than just one every three hundred centuries… I don’t promise anything but I hope I can upload at least another one this week!

Thank you again to the one person that must be reading this for staying until the end of this very Muriel like conversation and I hope you enjoyed it!

Love,

Muriel